Merging Lames

Today, I’d like to speak on a topic that is near and dear to all of our hearts: morons.

Once upon a time, mankind created the crosswalk. Apparently, too many old people and kids were getting run over by cars and buses, so a device was made that would regulate foot traffic at the same intersection as vehicle traffic. The idea was a simple one: push a button, and wait for a sign to give you a very direct order. “WALK, moron.”

Empirical evidence shows us that most people have received the WALK or DON’T WALK instructions with great clarity. But the waiting part, that’s where most pedestrians run into a lot of trouble. Granted, out here in Southern California, foot traffic is outweighed by vehicular traffic by about 7,500,000 to 1. And many crosswalks are so vast, it’s common to run into one of those two-parter crosswalks that necessitate two separate buttons and catching your breath after the first leg. So I get that a lot of people who actually do walk around here get frustrated.

But there is absolutely no excuse for these Pavlovian jackasses who jam their finger into the crosswalk button twenty times a second for a full minute before the light changes. Attention morons: just push the button once. The light will not change any faster. This has been proven.

The same goes for the elevator. This one is even easier. I’ll repeat in case the morons saw something shiny between paragraphs. Attention morons: if the elevator button is already lit up, you do not have to push the button fifty more times. We know you have places to go. We all do. That’s why we’re out and about. Otherwise, we’d be at home making tea or crepes or something. Stop pushing the button.

It’s not just that CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK that bothers me, it’s that excessive button-jamming illustrates one of the worst qualities about human beings: an embarrassing lack of patience. These are the same people who risk the lives of every other driver around them when merging traffic lanes to get exactly one car-length ahead of everyone, so that they can get home exactly one car-length sooner.

My dog will sit waiting for accidental carrot slice to drop on the floor for hours at a time. But humans pretty much suck when it comes to stopping and smelling the roses at the crosswalk. So next time you’re waiting for a light to change, just wait. Play Punchbuggy with yourself and hit yourself. Make up an advertising jingle in your head for a product you wished existed, like “Barry’s Teleportation Chamber.” Or just take a freaking deep breath. You’re outside. Just enjoy it. But for God’s sake, just push the button once.