Meteorologists are frauds

Where do I sign up to be a weatherman? This has got to be the best job in the world. You show up and make shit up for the next five days, then someone gives you six figures.

If you're a woman, if you look hot and have any science degree whatsoever, you're in. If you're a woman and want to get on the Weather Channel, you don't need a science degree, you just have to look hot. You don't even need to know how to read.

If you're a guy, there are no qualifications. Usually, you're the guy at parties who jumps into a lively conversation holding a Shirley Temple and says "Hey guys! What's up!" and everyone quiets down and miserably drones "Hi Barry..." You don't need to be hot. You just need a wacky name like Billy Thunder or Cotton Artichoke.

Your day is easy. When you show up for work, close your office door and promptly throw darts at the following bold predictions for the week: Partly Sunny, Partly Cloudy, Chance of Rain, Chance of Wind, Small Craft Advisory, Falling Rocks, Possibly Humid, Maybe Dry Unless It's Not, and Weather Possible.

If you say it will be Partly Cloudy and it rains, you're covered! If it's sunny, bonus! No one will be mad at you! Hey, you can even give people a low and a high, and if it's somewhere in between, you're set! This is a great career. I'm going to set up my own Weatherman Stand, like a lemonade stand but with me and a Magic 8-Ball.

In a way, we're all meteorologists. If you walk outside and it's cold, it's definitely cold. If it's raining, it's definitely raining. Really. Try it for yourself, you'll be amazed at just how accurate you can get.