Stuff you don't need

If there's one triumph in the 21st-century consumer landscape, it has to be advertisers still being able to convince us to buy stuff we never needed. I know this has been a staple of advertising since Snake Oil, but this latest Visa ad campaign has really got me impressed.

You've seen them. They entail an efficient assembly line of consumerism, and the one cog in the wheel? Some jackass holding up the line by using cash over their Visa debit card. Yes, cash is the one thing that can stop the amazing machine of Capitalism.

Some Native American tribes used wampum, or polished bits of clamshells, to trade for goods and services. I guess this is where the term "clams" comes from when we talk about money. I want your cow, your cow cost 5 clams...I only have a ten, you give me 5 clams back. (Brings into question how much change you got if you actually wanted to buy actual clams, but that's someone else's blog. Trust me, it probably really is someone else's blog.)

Anyone who thinks a debit card transaction is faster than cash, even the ones under $20, has never been behind someone over age 70 in line.

Other stuff we didn't think we needed? How about Blockbuster still trying to compete with Netflix? I love Alec Baldwin, but when I hear his voiceover on the ads pleading with me to try to keep Blockbuster in business, more fun times. The sell? With Netflix, you have to wait for your films in the mail. With Blockbuster, I have the option to wait for my films in the mail, OR march my lazy ass down to the local Blockbuster store and rent one there. If this sounds really similar to the service they offered for 20 years, it's because it is the service they offered for 20 years. I switched to Netflix because I AM TO LAZY TO GO TOO BLOCKBUSTER. Just sell all the stores, Blockbuster. Invest in that "credit chip" we can all surgically implant into our wrists so you can compete with Visa's revolutionary debit card.

Lastly, where did this magical spell come from that convinced us that we needed cameras in our phones? I have lost the argument that there was social life before cell phones. I understand, I cannot bitchslap cell phones. I have one. I use it. However, I do maintain that their most efficient use is this sort of call: "Where are you?" "Behind you. I'm looking at you. No, the other way. I'm waving right now. I'm under the tree. Are you blind? I'm tapping you on the shoulder now. Now I'm touching your face. Okay, goodbye."

When I someday have children, trying to explain what life was like before cell phones will be like bringing out a record player. Or a TRS-80. Or a non-hovering automobile. I'm not sure who convinced me that I needed to be contacted 24 hours a day wherever I am. And I'm not sure why people get so irate because they can't reach you or you didn't "pick up." What did we used to do when we were alone? Were we always this unhappy just enjoying our own company?

But all that being said, I could never apply for lifetime membership to the Luddite Club (if such a club would allow a machine-printed membership card), as I was once broken down on the side of the road, and my cell phone saved me from a male rapist.

Actually, that was embellished for no reason. Being broken down was dramatic enough an example, there was no rapist. Anyway, that day, I realized that you don't have to just be lost or a brain surgeon on call to consider the accessory one that you felt you needed. Are they overused? Yes. But I use them, they're handy.

But the phones on cameras? Seriously, how did the American consumer just gloss over this? The phone companies made a way to make us pay more for phones, and we just accepted it? What are the biggest triumphs of this technology, finding out that Michael Richards hates black people?

Be honest. When this technology came out, did you consider it any different than putting a toaster on an ant farm? Or a duck call on a tire iron? Or a spice rack on a vibrator?

Now they're everywhere, and I have people yelling at me because my phone "still" doesn't have a camera on it and they can't send me pictures. I don't know. I just think Alexander Graham Bell never thought his "Mr. Watson, come here, I need to see you" would be diluted to "Dude, check this out, this girl is so smashed. I'm so going to score with her." CLICK.

I miss Pong. Pong was pure.